[BFix] (OT) a great gift for the wife

[Stephen Urban]

Steve Urban
Semper Fi!
SCB#143
EBR#0692
CA4WDC#3576
NRA & CRPA Life Member
29 Palms, CA
sfu at roadrunner.com



WARNING:

DO NOT DRINK MILK AND READ THIS AT THE SAME TIME.  MILK MAY COME OUT THE 
NOSE:
YOU MAY JUST PEE YOUR PANTS WHEN READING THIS.

 

 
 
 Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
 
 A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
 submitted this: 
 
 Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &  Pawn Shop that sparked my
 interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
 little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
 supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
 assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO
 COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
 
 I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
 I was disappointed . I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
 pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
 electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
 Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
 face of her microwave.
 
 Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
 couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I
 sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
 while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
 this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
 
 I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
 thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
 this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
 assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a
 pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on
 the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
 
 The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
 assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
 major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
 your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
 than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
 
 All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
 less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
 itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
 
 What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm
 sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
 to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a
 tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
 one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
 thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS
 DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE  !!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in
 through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us
 both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
 
 I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
 my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
 found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
 tingling in my legs?
 
 The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
 picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
 getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
 
 Note : If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
 of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
 yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
 hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
 
 A three second burst would be considered conservative?
 SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
 
 A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
 point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
 the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
 The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
 was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
 
 My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
 weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
 Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
 smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
 from my hair.
 
 I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
 their safe return!! 
 
 
 P. S.
 
 My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
 
 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'